31 Days of Courage – Dreams.

Thanks, Laura for the inspiration to keep dreaming no matter what.

Chatting About Life

I’ve always been a bit of a daydreamer. In high school I could have told you exactly what I envisioned my life after college looking like. (By the way, my life has never looked like I imagined it would then.) In college I could have told you what my twenties would look like. (Yeah, that didn’t really happen either.) But I kept dreaming, even when my life didn’t seem to turn out the way I had planned.

And then I stopped. Because my dream that had come true broke into a million pieces.

Shattered. Right before my eyes.

God has pieced my dream back together again. It’s taken time, and it hasn’t been easy. But I still struggle to dream. In the back of my mind there’s the fear that if I dream, it won’t come true. Or it will happen, and then it will all fall apart again. So…

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Humpty Dumpty’s Fall..or not

I got rejected today. I think it has been a while since I got rejected outrightly that it hurt. With my blog posts, with anything I write, I know that I am placing myself at the mercy of critics who read my stuff and at times, I put my stuff out there as if I was handing it over on a platter while turning my head away with my eyes tightly screwed shut….just in case what I offered out there got chopped up into slivers.

With my writing, the critics have been kind. I guess either that or most people go by the adage of, “If I can’t say anything nice, then I’d better not say anything at all.” Or, they just ignore my writing and not read it. Somehow, I can handle that because I know I am a writer. However, for some months now, something has been arising in me to explore the arts a little further, to be more creative in my endeavours outside of the usual. A friend sold us her small Canon DSLR camera (the SX130 IS) and with that, a whole new world opened up for me.

I became a wanna-be photographer.

Spurred on by other bloggers who also photograph, I plunged in head and feet first into the world of photography. Alas, alas, I fell upon my head and now feel like Humpty Dumpty after the crash. I tried to sell my pictures to create some form of extra revenue for my husband and I.

And I got absolutely rejected. Slaughtered. Humpty Dumpty bleeding yolk all over the sidewalk.

Humpty was pushed

Humpty was pushed (Photo credit: aussiegall)

Somewhere deep within me, there was the Holy Spirit saying, “You will try again,” while the other part of me, the eggy part said, “I suck, I suck and I so suck at this!” The weird part was I could actually feel myself on one side saying that I will not give up; I will try again and I will keep practicing to improve while the other side of me just went, “nyeehhhhh, I so suck at this,  I won’t take anymore photographs. I suck, I suck.” I was truly dejected over the rejection. I thought I had given my best. I felt so…rejected. Unwanted. And I wanted to curl into a ball in a corner to lick my wounds.

But I couldn’t. I had to be somewhere else, doing something that needed all of my attention. So, rejection aside, I decided that I will not let self pity win. Even though I don’t want to take another photo for now, I will when there is good lighting. I will keep trying. I will not give up. One day, I might yet be considered a photographer along with writer and artist (yes, I paint too…just don’t reject my art for now…I don’t think I can take 2 rejections in a day!) but today is not the day. I am still in the preparation phase.

While my mind kept trying to get me to say “I suck”, I realized that the truth about me is that I am not a loser. I am a winner, more than a conqueror, to be exact. God has created me to have a future and a hope, a winner and not a loser. I might not be good at everything I do, but there are things that I am really good at and things that I am in the process of learning how to be good at.

I believe that this is the case with all of us. There are things that we are really good at but sometimes, we look at the green grass on the other side of the fence and we downplay what we are good at in thinking that they are not as important as what is on the other side of the fence. We could also be good at doing what we see on the other side of the fence but it would need preparation and practice. Friends, remember that we are never losers. We are winners and there is always something we are good at that someone else would like with all their heart to be able to do. Let us not downplay our strengths and focus only on what we are still learning to do well. Remember that everything is a process.

And rejection is the springboard to keep reaching for the stars.

Not Being Wonder Woman

A friend is in hospital and her husband is home alone with an 8 year old and an 8 month old whom they have just been given legal guardianship about 5 days ago. They are semi retired. While she fights off dengue fever in the hospital, he is fighting off everyone who wants to help him care for the kids, especially now that he also has a baby who is adjusting to life with them.  He feels that he has to do it all.

That is such a familiar story, isn’t it? I know that when people ask to help me, I always politely decline because I think that I will be a bother to them. I know a lot of this has to do with my upbringing too and the fact that I think I should be able to handle it all.  So I politely smile and say that I am fine and I have everything under control.

I am realizing that it is a form of pride on my part.

It makes me vulnerable when I ask or permit people to help me. I am telling them that I am weak and not capable enough to handle things on my own. So, like Wonder Woman of yore, I put on my cape and stand tall

Wonder Woman as she appeared in the 2009 anima...

Wonder Woman as she appeared in the 2009 animated film Wonder Woman, voiced by actress Keri Russell (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

in my boots brandishing a lipsticked smile that says, “I have it all under control.”

And then at the end of the day when I crash on my couch, I wonder what happened.

What happened is that I let my pride get in the way. I refused to allow someone to bless me. I closed off community by insisting that am able. I missed out on shared fellowship by having someone help me. All because I thought I have to do it all. There are times when we need to be responsible but there

are times when we need to let people help us. We don’t need to go it alone. We belong to a community and that is what community is about. Helping each other and encouraging each other.

Let’s not be so quick to say no with a smile when someone offers us their help. Acknowledge it. Receive it and watch a friendship grow closer. We need to bless others by letting them bless us.

Do you have a hard time allowing others to help you?